I AM IN REHAB

.......I lost the trust that everyone had put in me. I've lost it in different ways...The first was the lie. I assume that I lied a lot. To my parents, all above about my marks. I've never been the kinda girl that everybody loves. I am another person, that no one, even me, can understand. I lied to some of my friends but I think they lost their trust in me when I told them I lied to someone else. I lost the trust of my best friend when I told her she wasnt able to reconcile her love life and the rest. I lost the trust of another friend when I told her I was pretending to be someone for the boy im crazy about to pay attention to me, I lost my parents' trust when I said for many years 'everything's ok at school' and they discovered EACH year a chaotic bulletin. I guess its easy to lie but we all have to think about what's gonna come after. Each lie I said, I wasn't able to see the after. Its complicated. Im not a person you can trust, even if i can easily keep secrets, I haven't got any scruples...That makes me affraid. Who am I ? What Am I Able to do ? I don't even know my own limits. I spend all my days to lie for important things but I can't help myself. Everyday, Im tired about the consequences but I do it again. Am I a terrible person? I don't think so anymore. Someday, I tell to myself : Whoa! If I was someone else, I couldn't even trust this girl Im becoming.'
This kinda thought are so hard. However Im someone who's altruist. I love to help others. I love to listen their problems. But Im a liar. Will I be able to lie to the man I love ? Unfortunatly yes. I already do. I try reassure myself 'If I were dating him, it'd gonna be ok. I wouldn't lie.' But I know I will always get good reasons to lie. Good or bad, there will have reasons. I even feel like if i was betraying myself. I cant erase my past errors, the past will always be. So, why people tries to re-started? I think people can change yeah. Definately. But they have to get a lot of will and a lot of insurance. And unfortunatly, Im not this girl, who has a lot of will....I know a day, I'll lie to myself and there will be no issue to get over this future lie.

... How to get over it ? . I feel like a stupid heartbreaked kid. I feel that everything that happens to me isn't important because I know there's more important things. Y'know, everybody tells us : C'mon guy ! There's problem more important than your heartbreak. People are dying right now ! You wanna say : Shut up ! I don't care ! I feel so broken.' But it wouldn't be suitable. They're right. There are people more unlucky. But in another hand, you can't stop suffering because of that. You can't help yourself to be selfish ! You're right. I'm right. No one will care about you when you'll die. The world will go on while we will be stagnated under the ground. The truth is that you have to be about you first, 'cause no one will think about you first. Thats crual. Yeah. Definately crual. But that's it. After a heartbreak, you feel pleasure in your own misfortune. People say : ' C'mon ! Hang out with us guy, everything will be fine' but you feel like if no one can understand you. You wanna stay alone. Far ! Far away from this damn city in which you and him used to have a walk. n this damn cafe he used to make you laugh. In this fucking store he bought you candies. In front of this place in which he used to kiss you. You wanna leave so bad. Or you wanna cry. Cry on your future that will be awful. Cry on those damn words he used to tell to you. I can't help you. No one can. You call a friend but you don't want him to give you advices you just want to cry on his shoulder and him to agree with all you say. 'He's a dick, a total jerk.'
Its hard for now to be able to tell to yourself : 'Even if its hard to imagine, I'll find someoneill else who will give me shivers in the back or butterflies in the stomach' It's hard. But be sure that you will.